Remembering Z

In September, Buck flew to California to support his mom and to be part of Z's first Celebration of Life. Buck's mom has an incredible bunch of friends, who surrounded her with love and meals and opportunities to grieve. Her friend Paula opened up her home, inviting in guests from Z's group home, former teachers, care providers, friends, neighbors, family--a house full of people who loved and wanted to honor Z.

Buck read the story of Z's life, which I was asked to write, and then he shared some of his favorite memories of his little sister. It was really hard not being there with him, but we knew this trip was just for him to take. His mom needed him there, and it was good for them to go through these difficult, but important, times of sadness together. And of course, there were happy moments, too. The Celebration of Life concluded with a dance party to Shania Twain's Man I Feel Like a Woman, so you can't help but smile about that! 

Thankfully, Buck's mom wanted to give the rest of us an opportunity to say farewell to the girl who never grew up :) Her sweet, childlike nature drew so many people to enjoy conversation and time with our Z. On the day leading up to the service here in our town, I had a long list of errands, shopping, and other things to finish up for the next day. After we set up as much of the church as we could, Buck's mom offered to take us out to dinner. We enjoyed our date night with her along as our chaperone :) She even *let us* order fancy mocktails--which I only took pictures of because I know Caelan likes getting ideas for fun flavors.

Deep breath. The next morning, we finished putting flowers, which Caelan arranged, on tables, we set the candles to flicker, we stowed the food for the later meal, and we welcomed family and friends to attend the special time we'd designated just for Z.

The boys' friend Isaiah did such a nice job running the sound and the slideshow for us. Gabby's suggestion for the slideshow song was perfect, Scars in Heaven by Casting Crowns--such a picture of full healing in the presence of Jesus. Pastor D led the service, talking about how Z's enthusiasm over the things she loved reflected God's joy and excitement over us, whom He loves. Buck read her life story, once again, and her nephew and nieces led us in songs of worship and remembrance. I told my brother, who was sitting behind us, that I was thankful for his wife's voice--singing, when I couldn't. He said, "Same. We've done too much of this [funerals, saying goodbye, grieving] lately." 

Grieving hit us all pretty hard that day, I've got the tears I knew would come in writing this, streaming down my face. It's so hard to just *let* yourself be sad, especially when you've been sad so much for so long. But it is healthy, and good, and makes us grateful for Eternity with our loved ones who say yes to Jesus, and no to the world. I'm proud of the kids for leading the music, despite their own sadness, as a gift to their grandma . . . and I'm proud of the two new husbands for supporting their wives. These guys didn't really get to know Z much, but they still honored her by loving her nieces well during this time.

Because of some messiness at work, we had to find alternatives to our usual large gathering meal options. We ordered a meat and cheese tray from the local butcher shop, and it was so well done. The rolls and dessert bars came from our favorite bakers--who remembered Z celebrating every local birthday in their shop when it was still open. My cousin Lin made more salads than I could have imagined and drove them all the way to us in a spitting of snow. They provided side dishes for other meals for the week to come. I guess that's part of the reason for abundance during this time of what feels like lack--lack of energy, lack of rest, lack of drive, lack of motivation even--an abundance of homemade, prepared food can be a blessing when thinking through a menu isn't a priority. Super, super thankful for the thoughtfulness of family!

And we are thankful for friends! For our Czar and her husband, it's not easy to come back to this place to feel the hurt they felt when they were asked to stop leading worship. But she said she was going to be there to support me, and her husband and kids came along, too, because they are important in our lives. And our NGFs and their kids; they remember spending time with Z, and they wanted to be there for us. Mrs. K didn't know Z had passed away, until I invited her to this event. She wanted to be there to support Buck's mom and even made a beautiful painting full of vibrant colors as a gift to honor Z. Baby snuggles help, too--I got a heaping helping of those to soothe my sad heart.

I don't know how to end this post--it's hard to think of never seeing her smile again, how she'd gaze off in joy, lost in a happy thought. I'll miss the way she called in recruits when her brother was teasing her, giggling in the knowledge he was showing her love. I'll miss how proud she was of her nieces and nephews and how she wanted everyone to know that she was their aunt. We went on so many adventures together! Well, I'm sure my dad gave Z the biggest hug a guy in Heaven can give when she arrived; probably did a funny dance and made her laugh, too. "Zeefer! You're home!" I can just hear it now 💗